But Its Got A Chip...The Tard Apocalypse

Hi there...

     I'm going to go on a work related vent here for a minute or seven.  Don't get me wrong, I love my job but sometimes the level of technological and human WTF I have to deal with during my night shifts would test the patience of a saint.  Or as I've come to call it, The Tard Apocalypse.

     I've probably mentioned this, but our debit machines aren't chipped which means the customer has to swipe their cards.  It's not rocket science, but seriously, do I need to break out the crayons and draw up a visual aid? The phrase: "Stripe down towards me and swipe it" has rendered a few customers into deer caught in the headlights looking sheep waiting for the border collie (that would be me) to tell them what to do. "But its got a chip...".  Here, take my hand sweetie, I'll walk you through  this.  Women get it right away, I rarely have to correct them, but men? Good grief.  I could say it two or three times, then just take the card and do it myself.  Until I tweaked the wording just a little bit..."Stripe down towards me and swipe it" became "Strip down towards me and give it a swipe." Holy crap, works like a hot damn.  At the same time their head snaps up in a "Did I hear her right?" kinda way, they're flipping the card around and swiping it the way it should be.

     Sometimes I get the really special customers who ignore the stripe and swipe request and just starting trying to jam their card into the card reader slot thingy which, by the way, has a little sign sticking our of it with the words "Sorry, card reader not available"  Yet that...special customer...tries to jam his card into the reader demanding to know what's wrong with my machine, and why won't his card fit.  Now, most of the time I can keep a civil tongue in my head.  Sometimes, comments that should never leave the confines of my brain pan go waltzing out my mouth and I reply with probably way too much sarcasm, "Can you read?"

     It's the same out at the pumps.  There is a diagram right next to the card slot showing how to properly insert the card, can't miss it.  If after four tries and not getting anywhere, just for shits and giggles, flip the card around and give it a shot.  That would be the logical thing to do right?  Most times that does in fact happen and all is well with the world. Other times, the intercom goes off and an irate customer wants to know what's wrong with my pump.  When I explain that we're not chipped and how to insert the card, the question is "Where does it say that?" O_o "Um...on the diagram right next to the card reader...directly in front of you."  And there is absolutely no way you can say that without getting a dirty look shot at you from across the lot.

    
Speaking of out at the pumps, I had this moment: 
     The guy uses his debit card out at the pump, then realises that the nozzle won't reach his vehicle so he hangs it up-before pumping the gas-to move his car closer.  Hanging up the nozzle cancels the sale, which means no money was taken off the card and the process needs to be done again.  Did I mention that NO MONEY is taken off the card because the sale is cancelled?  Ok, so the guy moves his car closer to the pump and goes through the motions of setting up the pump again.  After going through said motions five times, and getting the error prompt, he's stoking across the lot.  He comes up to the counter and just looks at me with an expression of...the only way I can describe it is...petulance. He then proceeds to tell me I owe him four dollars, because he had to hang up the nozzle and move his car closer to the pump.  Did I mention that hanging up the nozzle cancels the sale? Ok good.  I explain this to him and he's shaking his head and reiterating that I owe him four dollars and he wants his money.  I then informed him that if I did in fact owe him four dollars my till would have told me that and I would have refunded said four dollars.  he insisted that his card was authorised for four dollars and when he tried it again after moving his car closer, it wouldn't work, and therefore I owed him four dollars.  I then explained that because he used his card at the pump, any money  owed to him, would've gone back on his card that only instore debit transactions for gas require you to come back for any money.  This is where the patience of a saint thing comes in.  Throughout my explanation, he is shaking his head at me and responds with "You owe me four dollars." I said I didn't and that the problem was with his card because he cancelled the sale by.  Hanging.  Up.  The.  Nozzle.  "Then I want the receipt" he says.  Now its my turn to stare..receipt for what? He wants a receipt that shows the sale was cancelled.  I can't give him a receipt because there was no transaction recorded because he cancelled the sale.  "Then you owe me four dollars" I replied, "No, I don't." He comes back with "Really?"  I had tried six ways to sunday trying to explain how and why I didnt' owe him four dollars and honestly, if I tried one more time, bad words would be said. So I just said I didn't know how else to explain it except to say that no, I did not owe him four dollars.  The petulant look came back and in a huff he headed for the door.  As he opened it, he gave me that squinty eyed I-hate-you-look and said, "Have fun robbing other people"  It was my turn to say "Really?" Though in hindsight, I probably shouldn't have laughed as I said it

*Intercom Buzzes*

     Me: How can I help you?

     Customer: Why won't the nozzle fit into my car?

     Me: Does your Sunfire take diesel?


          I find it odd and kind of sad that I actually have to say, "No, the air is free."

Ok, thats better...and that is all


    
    
    

Random Thoughts

On Food...

     Have you ever had popcorn twists?  You know the ones in the big blue bag, and there`s a recipe on the bag for caramel twist something or others?  OK never, ever...and I'm speaking from experience here...EVER make that recipe.  You're lulled into this false sense of hope at first, reading the recipe. Hmm, melted caramel is good, and popcorn twists are good, what could g wrong? Oh, it goes wrong.  Many levels of wrong. These "cookies" looked like little turds left by an incontinent, nervous chihuahua and don't even get me started on the texture of these things.

     When I was a kid, my mom was a firm believer in powdered milk.  Every morning my little sister and I would come to the breakfast table and there would be a frosty jug of powdered milk ready to be poured over our (ugh) puffed wheat cereal.  Until one morning Duck had had enough, and in her oh so subtle way, quietly launched a protest against powdered milk.  I was already at the table choking down my puffed wheat when she wordlessly came in, staring mom down like it was high noon in a spaghetti western movie.  She grabbed her bowl; filling  it with puffed wheat, and never breaking eye contact, and walked over to the cupboard where the bag of powdered milk was kept.  Let me make this clear, through this whole silent protest, Duck never once broke eye contact with mom as she grabbed the bag of milk powder, shook some over her dry cereal then went over to the sink and turned the tap on, filling her bowl with cold water.  Wordlessly, Duck sat down at the table, gave the bowl a stir and silently shoveled it into her mouth. We never had to drink powdered milk again.

     You don't know "struggle" until...Shredded wheat and mushroom soup.  I have eaten these items together...in one meal.

     I've discovered that a small bag of mini oreos, a bowl, spoon, and some milk is better than therapy in many circumstances.

     Want to get dirty looks in a grocery store check out line?  Be 115 pounds, buying whole milk and pork rinds.  I thought the lady behind me was having some kind of stroke judging by the sounds she was making.  She gave me that squinty eyed " I hate you " look.  So I left the line, grabbed a box of double fudge brownies and looked her right in the eye when I dropped them next to my pork rinds.

ON DRIVING

     It's called a turn signal. Please use it.

     I  lovelovelove the fact that Ordinarygirl continues to ride shotgun with me cause I'm lost without her.  And really, I should be properly supervised while behind the wheel.

     If your "Lambo" sounds like a Datsun S10 with a bad muffler, don't brag.

     Is it possible to pull a Rockford in a PT Cruiser?

ON RANDOM THINGS

     Only in Canada will you witness an argument as to who goes through the door first.
          "After you"
          "No, no, you first. Let me hold the door for you"

     Why does Parmesan cheese smell like feet?

     Big lettered sign above the slurpee machine " Sorry, temporarily unavailable"  Customer stares at the sign for a good ten seconds, comes up to the counter and...
          Him: So no slurpees?
          Me: Sigh...

     How come a 300 pound guy wearing no shirt can walk around with no problem, but if I do, its indecent exposure?

     Squirrell!

That Is All...

      

    

    

    

    

Hello Clarice....

Hi there...

     A couple weeks ago I insured my bike, and Murphy's law being what it is, it rained for three days straight.  Thankfully I had spent my day off the weekend before cleaning and polishing...and nursing the god awful tramp stamp sunburn I got cause I was humped over like a dog humping a football doing magic circles, polishing chrome.  Lots and lots of chrome.  As a result, when the rain finally stopped, I was able to get right to the business of getting Clarice (She's my 1991 Harley Davidson Sportster 1200) on the road and working out the kinks we had both developed over the winter.

     We stuck to town our first time out, going through the gears the way a pianist goes through the scales when she puts her hands on the keys.  I just.. went,  letting Clarice take me where she wanted to go, like giving a horse her head and letting her go.  I stopped to have a smoke and a visit with my sister.  Want to know the quickest way to clear out a cemetery?  All I did through and around so my bike would be facing the right way when I left.  When I entered the cemetery there were a couple of cars and a smattering of people and by the time I parked after circling the cemetery, the people were gone and there was a convoy of cars leaving and they're all staring at me one eyed like a flock of nervous birds.  I laughed, and I'm sure my sister did too. 

     In the last week I've ridden to work and found four different versions of the long way home and only pulled a couple of rookie mistakes.  Once I slipped her into neutral when I was trying to gear up into second, and there was that one time when I may have popped the clutch...

     The last time I went out before the rains started, I stumbled on the perfect city ride so far.  I had the intention of riding out the Barnet, because its a lovely stretch of road, turning around at the gas station after the refinery and heading back.  After turning off the highway I realised I couldn't get into the gas station, so I carried on up the hill and found the turnoff for Burnaby Mountain.  You know, its amazing what you find when you're not looking for it.  A nice winding road brought me to the look out so I stopped for a smoke, took pictures like a tourist and just hung out with the world for awhile. 

     The weather was looking kind of iffy, so I decided to throw my chaps on, then realised I wasn't wearing a belt which meant the chaps would just slide off my hips.  So they went back into my saddlebag.  #skinnygirlproblem. 

     Leaving the mountain, I decided to go left and carry on up the hill which was another nice winding road.  When I got to the top, I remembered something....I'm not big on going downhill.  It's like night riding, I can do it no problem, it just freaks me out a little. Before I knew it I was in Coquitlam.  Totally didn't expect that and it was awesome.

      At a leisurely pace...ok, I may have switched lanes a time or four to get around slow cars...I made my way home, circling town a couple of times the long way before calling it a day.  It was an awesome ride which I plan on doing again before the summers over.

     Learning to ride is a huge personal accomplishment, something I never in a million years thought I could achieve and I am so grateful to have been given the oppourtunity to learn this skill.  My bike has taken me to so many beautiful places, on countless adventures, and given me memories to treasure for the rest of my life.  I can honestly say that it is the one passion in my life and I wouldn't give it up for anything.

     Find your passion my friends and ride with it...That Is All.

    

    

    

    

Not For The Cookie

     Its not fair.  Summer is coming and boys get to run around like monkeys while we girls have to shave everything, and it takes forever.  Hot yoga? Pffffttt...I got your hot yoga.  It's a razor, a shower, and the performance of contortions whicch simultaneously attempt to catch every spot and prevent a skull cracking fall or potential blood loss that could result in an embarrasing encounter with the paramedics. 

 Oh sure there are alternatives to the razor...

     Those Neet creams that are not very neat.  Im supposed to put this cream on my legs before I get in the shower, because its convienient, and stand there for like a minute before getting in the shower.  Then once in the shower, because its convenient,  I'm supposed let the water gradually wash this cream away...but only after an additional two minutes.  o_0

     Waxing.  Hmmm.  Yeah, I'm going to pay some strange woman to pour hot wax all over my legs and damn close to my naughty bits before she lays down those little white strips which become band aids from hell that fiercly, painfully, rip the hair out by the roots.  Besides for all I know she could be, you know, into that, which would make me an unwitting S&M participant, and I don't even know what the safe word is.

     I don't have time...correction...I don't have the patience to stand around my bathroom with cream on my legs, then dance a merry jig in a confined space trying to keep a stream of water from getting my legs wet.  Having  my legs waxed just plain falls under my nopenopenope catagory along with snakes and spiders.

     Then I remembered I had one of those "Smooth Away" things.  Basically its sandpaper for your legs, and if used with the proper circular motion on dry legs (bonus), produces smooth, exfoliated legs.  Let me tell you it works like a hot damn.  On legs.  Bikini line? Not so much.   Yes I read the instructions, and yes they said it was safe to use on my bikini line.  So I did this morning, and the initial results were...impressive, just like my legs.

     Here is where I digress a little and give you some backstory...our washrooms at work have obnoxiously huge mirrors that of course face the toilet and no matter what you do, you can't help but notice yourself in the mirror.

     So there I am halfway through my shift this afternoon, about to ascend the throne if you know what I mean, when I noticed the little red bumps along my bikini line in the obnoxiously huge mirror.  Upon closer inspection, it looked like a surgical strike from a swarm of  tiny mosquitoes with really good grouping.  Lovely. My legs look great and feel wonderful, my bikini line? Not so much.  Its not fair.  We're damned with razor burn and nciks if we do, and we're damned with itchy and uncomfortable if we dont. 

     Then again, boys will never understand or appreciate the luxury of freshly shaved legs and clean sheets...That is all.            

      

    

Hi there....

     So here I am on my back porch, willing spring to...well...spring. It's gray and rainy, but the signs are there! I see crocuses thumbing their noses at the rain by opening their petals in a profusion of whites and purples, daffodils standing tall but shyly hiding their petals in hopes that the sun will make more than an appearance, and the flamboyant cherry trees with their "Ta Da!!" of blossoms that can brighten the grayest of days.  There's a whisper of green running through the trees, limbs stretching out, breathing a sigh of relief knowing that winter is over and anticipating the feeling of warmth on their skin, a blush of green creeps across the grass like a tide of renewal, pushing away the drab dry brown of winter.

     Spring is a time to notice the little things, and their potential to make the world around you a better place. It may not be the time of year to stop and smell the roses yet, but stop in front of that rose bush and imagine, anticiapte, that beautiful rose and how wonderfully...summer...it will smell.  There is nothing more zen than watching squirrels cavort and gambol.

     My advice?  Take a walk on the wild side, your spirit will thank you for it.

That is all friends, now go play outside.





   
    

 
    
    

Human Nature

Hi there...

     I'm a people watcher. Not in a creepy, boil your bunny kinda way, more like in a student of human nature kinda way. That and I like messing with people. A lot.  The quickest way to throw people off their game?  Make eye contact, smile, and nod at them. Random people, for no reason at all.  Now, most people will smile and nod back, albeit after a flash of confusion crosses their face.  Some will just look at you as if wondering what you're ulterior motive is and I've actually seen a mother shove her child behind her as i passed.    Then there are those who stare at you like your parade is missing a float or two, and walk on by shaking their heads as though you have pierced their personal bubble with malicious intent.  

     Then there's the wave.  I have had so much fun with this one.  I like to use it in when merging into traffic, mainly to appease the traffic gods.  Wave enthusiastically at a random person from a distance, and after the cocked head, furrowed brow and confused glance over their shoulder, nine out of ten people will wave back.  Then spend a good chunk of time trying to figure out who the hell you were.  My work is done.

     Over the holidays, I wore reindeer antlers.  Oh, I could have gone with the traditional Santa hat, but antlers have so much more potential.  For example:  My sister and I went to the mall to do some christmas shopping  and as soon as I got out of the car the antlers were on my head.  She tried giving me the "you should act your age" speech, but I just laughed.  I'm wearing antlers.  Why on earth would I act my age? So into the mall we went; every adult who saw my antlers, smiled at me and every child who saw them, pointed and made a comment about "Woodolph".  Then there is the added bonus of innocently addressing the guy who is staring at the antlers on my head and saying, "Excuse me, would you stop staring at my rack please?" then watching the internal fight as the eyes try not to go from staring at one rack...to staring at another.

     There are times, mind you when I swear that there's a sign over my head that says "Freaks and weirdos talk to me!"  and the whole making eye contact and nodding to someone comes back to bite me in the ass.  Or it balances the karmic scales.

     I was on the skytrain once, going to visit my grandpa.  When I got on, the train was almost full, but i managed to find a seat and shove my backpack under my feet after pulling out my book.  As I began to read, for some reason I happened to look up and make eye contact with a guy at the other end of the train, and as I am wont to do, I smiled and nodded.  Mistake.  He looks back and jabs a finger right at me and yells "I dont trust you for a second!"  Oh. Crap.  So I immedeatley drop my head back to the pages of my book, hoping it was jsut a random occourence.  Nope.  Few minutes later I glance up to see where I am, and dude has moved halfway across the car towards me, and is staring right at me.  So casually I grab my backpack, shove my book inside and am ready to get off at the next station even though I have no idea where I am when the hair on the back of my neck stands up and glancing up, I see dude standing on the other side of the glorified sneeze guard of glass by the doors, staring at me like I'm some kind of zoo exhibit.  The last thing I want is to be the reason this guy has an embarrasing conversation with the paramedics because he got shitkicked by a skinny blond girl...Thankfully, he gave me one last baleful glance and got off the train and I stayed assault charge free. 

     Life is too short to walk around with your head down, only paying attention to what is right in front of you and not seeing the world around you.  Get on a crowded elevator, make eye contact with everyone and ask "I guess you are all wondering why I gathered you all here today"  I have, and I guarantee you will bring smiles to faces, make days brighter, and plant the seed of mischieviousness into at least one brain.  Stand on the corner of a busy intersection and just look up.  That's it.  Just stand there for maybe five minutes looking up with a quizzical expression as if you can't quite figure out what you are looking at.  Within two minutes, you will have people slowing down to look up as they pass by, and within five, you will have at least one person who has stopped to look up trying to figure out what you are seeing.  As soon as that one person stops, cross the street and watch.  When I did it, I had two people stop and by the time I had crossed the street and watched from the oppoaite corner for less than five minutes, five people were looking up. 

     Untill next time my friends, take it easy...or any way you can get it.  That is all.... 

    

    

    

Welcome to my world

Hi there....
     So my BFF has been encouraging me to do this blog thing.  Apparently I'm not as in touch with technology and social media as I could be.  Now, I'm not saying I'm "new" to social media...I can check my email, Facebook doesn't scare me anymore but the other stuff;  Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, I dont know.  Here is a picture of my coffee.  I am drinking coffee.  This is my opinion of the coffee.
  
     Then there's the whole technology thing.  We do not get along.  At. All. For example, I have literally made computers shut down by touching them, my iPad will stop working randomly and I am CONVINCED my phone either doesn't like the frequency I run at, or its possessed by a perverted 12 year old boy. I mean, I typed in "McDonalds" and the autocorrect changed it to "McPadonkadonk"...I've never used the word "Padonkadonk" on my phone. I know how to use technology, I just dont think that technology likes me...

     But hey, I'm willing to give it a shot. My BFF has never steered my wrong (damn her sense and logic!) and she thinks this blogging thing will be a good arena for my rants.  I do like that. Ranting, raving, carrying on, or as I like to call it, aggressively expressing my opinions and observations. It's all in your perspective.

     Since we're on the subject of technology, I work in the retail/service industry and I have been working in this industry since the time before scanners or debit machines, when using your credit card involved physically manipulating an archaic machine and carbon paper. When the debit card came along and its technology, I had a front row seat in watching people adjust to using plastic and punching numbers instead of counting cash. Some people took to the change rather well, others had to be dragged kicking and screaming into this new realm of technology. First it was the stripe swipe...

     "Stripe down facing me and give it a swipe"
     "No, the other way please"
     "Thats backwards Sweetie, please try again"
     "Now you got it upsidedown"
     "Here, give it to me..."
     "No Sir, you won't be charged three times for this transaction because I had to swipe your card   three times. Yes, I'm sure" Sigh....

     Then came the chip cards.  Advanced technology, streamlined, the bugs worked out. Nopenopenope. Let me tell you, P.O.S does not mean "Point Of Sale" to me....

     "Just slide it into the slot"
     "No that's the wrong way"
     "Actually, you pulled it out too soon, now we have to start again"
     "Just stick it in and leave it. Don't jiggle it or pull it out until I tell you I'm done with it"
     "Ok, now you can take it out. Thank you"

     And of course I couldn't have this conversation with a guy between the ages of 20 and 30 without it going completley sideways. Sigh...

      What's next down the technological pipeline? After scanning your purchases, do I scan the barcode on your arm? Or do you simply press a fingertip onto the little screen until it beeps? Whatever shape it takes, I'm pretty sure there will be more than a few "deer caught in the headlights" looks as I take their proverbial hand and walk them through it. It's not a job, it's an adventure!

    
     So Welcome To My World firends, and until next time, take it easy....or any way you can get it. That Is All...