Hi there...
The day started normal enough for me, soap in the eyes and a minor stroke cause I slipped in the shower and thought I was going to die. This is why I prefer the bath, less chance of personal injury but I digress.
I was still swaddled in towels when the yelling began and it came from downstairs. It was Brina and at first I thought she was yelling at something she was watching, or maybe the dog. Then the screaming began, and the running up the stairs, and the pounding on my bedroom door accompanied by a frantic voice striving for calm.
"Aunty? Aunty? Aunty I need your help there's something in my ear!"
I stood in the middle of my room...seriously I just stood there, head cocked, eyes squinted, thinking did I just hear her say something in my ear? In the span of a nanosecond I went through a million scenarios and possibilities, emotions and sensations before telling my obviously traumatised babygirl...
" Hang on a second, let me put some clothes on."
" I can't!!" Was her shrill response before she burst into my room with her hand over her ear.
I stood there, dumbstruck as she launched into a rapid tearstained explanation of how she was sure that a bug was in her ear. Without thinking I pretty much threw her onto my bed and was looking in her ear, looking for...and praying to everything I held holy I didn't find...a bug when I came to realise the only thing I had on was the towel on my head. How long, I don't know, and in the moment it didn't seem important but it was one of those randomly calm thoughts that flash through your head in a moment of crisis.
" Huh...I'm kinda naked."
Thankfully she had her eyes closed and I recovered my towel. Not that she would have noticed, because she was full on freaking out by this time and I knew that the best course of action was to get her to the clinic.
Did I mention I had to be at work in an hour? Yeah that wasn't going to happen. So I dashed off a quick, trying not to sound anxious, call to work saying I didn't know how late, but I was going to be late because my niece has a bug in her ear. I told Brina to call her mom, because even though I knew I " had this " I also knew I would not be able to talk her down and I needed her calm because she was starting to ramp up Sese (big sister) and I as far as our personal anxiety level. I handle stress like a duck swims...gracefully gliding on the surface and paddling furiously underneath., so damaging my calm was not an option if I hoped to keep the girls calm.
I drove as fast as I could. Don't worry Ordinarygirl, I drove like a controlled maniac who may have made only a few questionable driving decisions.
So we get to the clinic, it's packed and of course I roll in there like a wrecking ball, Brina under one arm and Sese right behind me. There was an elderly gentleman in a wheelchair who was almost to the counter and after a fleeting thought of I`m going to hell for this, I cut in fromt of him and descended upon the poor unsuspecting nurse.
``My girl has a bug in her ear and needs to see a doctor. Right now.``
``Uh`` she responds, eyes darting around like a deer caught in the headlights.
``She needs to see someone. Right. Now.``
As if on cue, whatever Brina thought was in her ear decided to shift position and get comfortable and she did a controlled freak out and we were immediatley directed to a chair in the hallway and told a doctor would be with us shortly. They weren`t kidding. Less than five minutes later we were in an exam room and had barely sat down when a doctor came in wearing that ``It`s not as bad as you think look`` Au contraire Monsieur Doctor.
Out came the ear looky thingy and after a few questions, Doc determined my girl had impacted ear wax. No worries, he was just going to flush out her ear with some warm water and she would be all good. Now when you think about flushing someone`s ear out, you think little syringe, squirt squirt and all is well. Nopenopenope. The syringe he pulled out was mofo huge and looked like something you`d ice a cake with, all metal and shiny. I was sure it was long enough to poke her brain. Poor Brina`s eyes were huge and got bigger when the doc handed her a small bucket with a divot on one side and told her to hold it under her ear while she told him she has never had a bug in her ear. I could literally see both girls tense up as he put the syringe in her ear and start pushing on the plunger. I can only imagine what it sounded and felt like, though my powers of empathy spiked for a minute there and it may as well have been me on that bed.
After the first plunger full (yes I said first) Doc takes the bucket away from Brina`s ear and with a nod of satisfaction shows us the small chunk of ear wax flaoating in what I thought was an abnormally large amount of water to be running through such a small space. Then he says he`s going to flush it one more time to be sure. Alrighty then. He pulls the bucket away from Brina`s ear, looks into it, then across the room at me with a look that was both surprised and a little bit shocked. I hear Sese gasp, and my first thought is...
``Oh crap.``
He holds the bucket out to me and I look into it and see...a spider. It was tiny, no bigger than my pinky nail, but in relation to the size of an ear canal it was huge. My stomach flipped and my mpathy spiked once more because I had watched her go through the obvious trauma of having this thing in her head. Brina hasn`t seen it yet cause the doc, Sese, and I had our heads bent over the bucket and then the doctor casually mentions to Brina
`` Well this is a first for both of us because I`ve never flushed a spider out of an ear before.``
``WHAT!``
He shows Brina the bucket and I swear her eyes got big enough to swallow her face and she paled considerably though she looked incredibly relieved, and with profuse thanks, we left the clinic.
Once back in the car, we joked about the whole situation they way everyone does once a crisis has passed, and at one point, Brina started giggling. I asked her what was funny, and she replies...
``The two people in my world who have had the most issues with anxiety just totally stepped up and came through for me when I needed them. High five Sese. High five Aunty`` And we tootled off back home, albeit doing the speed limit.
I, like probably most people have a lovehate relationship with adrenaline. It`s great how it gets you throught the situation at hand, but the crash at the end sucks monkeyballs. I was amazed at my level of calm throughout the whole spider in the ear crisis, so thank you adrenaline dump. It was when I got into my car to go to work that I went from feeling fine to shaking like a leaf and on the edge of tears and about to go over that edge. Fuck you adrenaline dump. After some deep breaths and a bit of grounding I found myself again and off to work I went, though I was totally exhausted which is another up yours adrenaline dump because why do I have to feel like I ran a marathon uphill in the snow while being scared shitless, just to stay calm and collected for a crisis that lasted an hour and a half from start to finish...
`` Calm blue ocean.``
And swim like a duck.
Go to ordinarygirl10.blogspot.com for another perspective
Friday, 13 February 2015
Sunday, 25 January 2015
Social Media Is Not The Devil
Hi there...
This year I've decided... (been persuaded ;)... to get more active with my social media, and as I've said, I got Facebook totally cased, I am a posting machine if I do say so myself. And Pinterest. Oh my god that shit is like crack. It's the Twitter, Instagram, and Google Chrome stuff that needs more of my attention. So in my efforts, a few...and OrdinaryGirl will laugh here...weeks ago I Tweeted a question. "Why is bra singular and panties plural?" BAM! I ended up with like 10 new followers. Now I was actually born before the internet, but I am not neccesarily new to technology and in my...dare I say it....old fashioned perspective on social media, Ive come to a couple conclusions.
On Pinterest, you pin. On Facebook you post. Though if you're posting on Twitter, you aren't, you're tweeting and the post is a tweet, but it doesn't make you a twit. And if you post on Tumblr, it's still a post and not a tumble, but it doesn't make you a tumbler.
I find it a litte odd how the younger generation so easily embraces social media and literally documents their lives on the internet. Though I'm sure the generation before us thought it was odd that we so easily embraced the VHS system when they were just getting a handle on the whole beta thing.
Though I must say I simply love the fact that I can pay my bills in my jammies on the couch with just the touch of a few buttons, get unlost in seconds, order a pizza without talking to anyone and if I'm so inclined I can learn the most obsccure and bizarre facts known to woman.
I am being dragged-albeit not kicking and screaming-into this wondrous world of social media and given that I plan on grabbing life by the biscuits this year, having a way to share, nay, document my adventures will come in handy when I'm in my nineties staring in the mirror wondering where the hell all these tattoos came from...
That Is All...now go socialize with your media savvy selves.
This year I've decided... (been persuaded ;)... to get more active with my social media, and as I've said, I got Facebook totally cased, I am a posting machine if I do say so myself. And Pinterest. Oh my god that shit is like crack. It's the Twitter, Instagram, and Google Chrome stuff that needs more of my attention. So in my efforts, a few...and OrdinaryGirl will laugh here...weeks ago I Tweeted a question. "Why is bra singular and panties plural?" BAM! I ended up with like 10 new followers. Now I was actually born before the internet, but I am not neccesarily new to technology and in my...dare I say it....old fashioned perspective on social media, Ive come to a couple conclusions.
On Pinterest, you pin. On Facebook you post. Though if you're posting on Twitter, you aren't, you're tweeting and the post is a tweet, but it doesn't make you a twit. And if you post on Tumblr, it's still a post and not a tumble, but it doesn't make you a tumbler.
I find it a litte odd how the younger generation so easily embraces social media and literally documents their lives on the internet. Though I'm sure the generation before us thought it was odd that we so easily embraced the VHS system when they were just getting a handle on the whole beta thing.
Though I must say I simply love the fact that I can pay my bills in my jammies on the couch with just the touch of a few buttons, get unlost in seconds, order a pizza without talking to anyone and if I'm so inclined I can learn the most obsccure and bizarre facts known to woman.
I am being dragged-albeit not kicking and screaming-into this wondrous world of social media and given that I plan on grabbing life by the biscuits this year, having a way to share, nay, document my adventures will come in handy when I'm in my nineties staring in the mirror wondering where the hell all these tattoos came from...
That Is All...now go socialize with your media savvy selves.
Friday, 16 January 2015
Hi there...
Where did the last year go? Seriously, I swear I JUST had a birthday and now its here again? Ugh...I made resolutions this time last year, plans to change those habits, improve this, and learn that. There were changes, improvments, and lessons learned, but not many of them were actually planned. This is a good thing, I mean you can insert your own cliche here, but life happens when you're busy making plans and the changes I've made over this past year have both terrified and impressed the hell out of me.
I've learned that I can roll with it (Thank you OrdinaryGirl) . Just roll with it. Do what I can when I can, but I will not let it control me. I've learned that I will never be too old to have a sense of wonder. I am a mushbag and proud of it. I've learned it is what it is and that's alright. I've learned to think about myself, and not just for myself.
I've changed my perspective and priorities. I am the most important person in my life.
I've improved my mental and emotional state. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?
I accomplished these things not because I made a list, and not beccause I made promises on a certain day at a specific time. I accomplished these things because my time of dwelling on things I can't change is done and worrying myself sick about things I can't control is counterproductive to forward motion. So I'm going to roll with it, go with the flow, see where it takes me. No resoulutions, no lists of goals on a piece of paper that will end up getting lost or not completed. If I need to make a change in my life or within myself, I'm not going to consult a list of resolutions and that was written because I felt obligated to pick apart who I am or thinking I'm not good enough or because society says its expected at this time of year. I am going to accomplish things this year. Be spontaneous, be the change I want to see (Thank you Dali Lama) and not because its that time of year and is expected but because its the right time for that moment to become reality and change me and my life for the better.
Like fine wine, I get better with age but its up to me to refine that vintage. I'm going to grab life by the biscuits, and cross a few more things off my list of things to do before I die.
So my friends, grab some biscuits and do at lest one thing that scares you. Its a good thing.
That Is All...
Where did the last year go? Seriously, I swear I JUST had a birthday and now its here again? Ugh...I made resolutions this time last year, plans to change those habits, improve this, and learn that. There were changes, improvments, and lessons learned, but not many of them were actually planned. This is a good thing, I mean you can insert your own cliche here, but life happens when you're busy making plans and the changes I've made over this past year have both terrified and impressed the hell out of me.
I've learned that I can roll with it (Thank you OrdinaryGirl) . Just roll with it. Do what I can when I can, but I will not let it control me. I've learned that I will never be too old to have a sense of wonder. I am a mushbag and proud of it. I've learned it is what it is and that's alright. I've learned to think about myself, and not just for myself.
I've changed my perspective and priorities. I am the most important person in my life.
I've improved my mental and emotional state. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?
I accomplished these things not because I made a list, and not beccause I made promises on a certain day at a specific time. I accomplished these things because my time of dwelling on things I can't change is done and worrying myself sick about things I can't control is counterproductive to forward motion. So I'm going to roll with it, go with the flow, see where it takes me. No resoulutions, no lists of goals on a piece of paper that will end up getting lost or not completed. If I need to make a change in my life or within myself, I'm not going to consult a list of resolutions and that was written because I felt obligated to pick apart who I am or thinking I'm not good enough or because society says its expected at this time of year. I am going to accomplish things this year. Be spontaneous, be the change I want to see (Thank you Dali Lama) and not because its that time of year and is expected but because its the right time for that moment to become reality and change me and my life for the better.
Like fine wine, I get better with age but its up to me to refine that vintage. I'm going to grab life by the biscuits, and cross a few more things off my list of things to do before I die.
So my friends, grab some biscuits and do at lest one thing that scares you. Its a good thing.
That Is All...
Sunday, 5 October 2014
But Its Got A Chip...The Tard Apocalypse
Hi there...
I'm going to go on a work related vent here for a minute or seven. Don't get me wrong, I love my job but sometimes the level of technological and human WTF I have to deal with during my night shifts would test the patience of a saint. Or as I've come to call it, The Tard Apocalypse.
I've probably mentioned this, but our debit machines aren't chipped which means the customer has to swipe their cards. It's not rocket science, but seriously, do I need to break out the crayons and draw up a visual aid? The phrase: "Stripe down towards me and swipe it" has rendered a few customers into deer caught in the headlights looking sheep waiting for the border collie (that would be me) to tell them what to do. "But its got a chip...". Here, take my hand sweetie, I'll walk you through this. Women get it right away, I rarely have to correct them, but men? Good grief. I could say it two or three times, then just take the card and do it myself. Until I tweaked the wording just a little bit..."Stripe down towards me and swipe it" became "Strip down towards me and give it a swipe." Holy crap, works like a hot damn. At the same time their head snaps up in a "Did I hear her right?" kinda way, they're flipping the card around and swiping it the way it should be.
Sometimes I get the really special customers who ignore the stripe and swipe request and just starting trying to jam their card into the card reader slot thingy which, by the way, has a little sign sticking our of it with the words "Sorry, card reader not available" Yet that...special customer...tries to jam his card into the reader demanding to know what's wrong with my machine, and why won't his card fit. Now, most of the time I can keep a civil tongue in my head. Sometimes, comments that should never leave the confines of my brain pan go waltzing out my mouth and I reply with probably way too much sarcasm, "Can you read?"
It's the same out at the pumps. There is a diagram right next to the card slot showing how to properly insert the card, can't miss it. If after four tries and not getting anywhere, just for shits and giggles, flip the card around and give it a shot. That would be the logical thing to do right? Most times that does in fact happen and all is well with the world. Other times, the intercom goes off and an irate customer wants to know what's wrong with my pump. When I explain that we're not chipped and how to insert the card, the question is "Where does it say that?" O_o "Um...on the diagram right next to the card reader...directly in front of you." And there is absolutely no way you can say that without getting a dirty look shot at you from across the lot.
Speaking of out at the pumps, I had this moment:
The guy uses his debit card out at the pump, then realises that the nozzle won't reach his vehicle so he hangs it up-before pumping the gas-to move his car closer. Hanging up the nozzle cancels the sale, which means no money was taken off the card and the process needs to be done again. Did I mention that NO MONEY is taken off the card because the sale is cancelled? Ok, so the guy moves his car closer to the pump and goes through the motions of setting up the pump again. After going through said motions five times, and getting the error prompt, he's stoking across the lot. He comes up to the counter and just looks at me with an expression of...the only way I can describe it is...petulance. He then proceeds to tell me I owe him four dollars, because he had to hang up the nozzle and move his car closer to the pump. Did I mention that hanging up the nozzle cancels the sale? Ok good. I explain this to him and he's shaking his head and reiterating that I owe him four dollars and he wants his money. I then informed him that if I did in fact owe him four dollars my till would have told me that and I would have refunded said four dollars. he insisted that his card was authorised for four dollars and when he tried it again after moving his car closer, it wouldn't work, and therefore I owed him four dollars. I then explained that because he used his card at the pump, any money owed to him, would've gone back on his card that only instore debit transactions for gas require you to come back for any money. This is where the patience of a saint thing comes in. Throughout my explanation, he is shaking his head at me and responds with "You owe me four dollars." I said I didn't and that the problem was with his card because he cancelled the sale by. Hanging. Up. The. Nozzle. "Then I want the receipt" he says. Now its my turn to stare..receipt for what? He wants a receipt that shows the sale was cancelled. I can't give him a receipt because there was no transaction recorded because he cancelled the sale. "Then you owe me four dollars" I replied, "No, I don't." He comes back with "Really?" I had tried six ways to sunday trying to explain how and why I didnt' owe him four dollars and honestly, if I tried one more time, bad words would be said. So I just said I didn't know how else to explain it except to say that no, I did not owe him four dollars. The petulant look came back and in a huff he headed for the door. As he opened it, he gave me that squinty eyed I-hate-you-look and said, "Have fun robbing other people" It was my turn to say "Really?" Though in hindsight, I probably shouldn't have laughed as I said it
*Intercom Buzzes*
Me: How can I help you?
Customer: Why won't the nozzle fit into my car?
Me: Does your Sunfire take diesel?
I find it odd and kind of sad that I actually have to say, "No, the air is free."
Ok, thats better...and that is all
I'm going to go on a work related vent here for a minute or seven. Don't get me wrong, I love my job but sometimes the level of technological and human WTF I have to deal with during my night shifts would test the patience of a saint. Or as I've come to call it, The Tard Apocalypse.
I've probably mentioned this, but our debit machines aren't chipped which means the customer has to swipe their cards. It's not rocket science, but seriously, do I need to break out the crayons and draw up a visual aid? The phrase: "Stripe down towards me and swipe it" has rendered a few customers into deer caught in the headlights looking sheep waiting for the border collie (that would be me) to tell them what to do. "But its got a chip...". Here, take my hand sweetie, I'll walk you through this. Women get it right away, I rarely have to correct them, but men? Good grief. I could say it two or three times, then just take the card and do it myself. Until I tweaked the wording just a little bit..."Stripe down towards me and swipe it" became "Strip down towards me and give it a swipe." Holy crap, works like a hot damn. At the same time their head snaps up in a "Did I hear her right?" kinda way, they're flipping the card around and swiping it the way it should be.
Sometimes I get the really special customers who ignore the stripe and swipe request and just starting trying to jam their card into the card reader slot thingy which, by the way, has a little sign sticking our of it with the words "Sorry, card reader not available" Yet that...special customer...tries to jam his card into the reader demanding to know what's wrong with my machine, and why won't his card fit. Now, most of the time I can keep a civil tongue in my head. Sometimes, comments that should never leave the confines of my brain pan go waltzing out my mouth and I reply with probably way too much sarcasm, "Can you read?"
It's the same out at the pumps. There is a diagram right next to the card slot showing how to properly insert the card, can't miss it. If after four tries and not getting anywhere, just for shits and giggles, flip the card around and give it a shot. That would be the logical thing to do right? Most times that does in fact happen and all is well with the world. Other times, the intercom goes off and an irate customer wants to know what's wrong with my pump. When I explain that we're not chipped and how to insert the card, the question is "Where does it say that?" O_o "Um...on the diagram right next to the card reader...directly in front of you." And there is absolutely no way you can say that without getting a dirty look shot at you from across the lot.
Speaking of out at the pumps, I had this moment:
The guy uses his debit card out at the pump, then realises that the nozzle won't reach his vehicle so he hangs it up-before pumping the gas-to move his car closer. Hanging up the nozzle cancels the sale, which means no money was taken off the card and the process needs to be done again. Did I mention that NO MONEY is taken off the card because the sale is cancelled? Ok, so the guy moves his car closer to the pump and goes through the motions of setting up the pump again. After going through said motions five times, and getting the error prompt, he's stoking across the lot. He comes up to the counter and just looks at me with an expression of...the only way I can describe it is...petulance. He then proceeds to tell me I owe him four dollars, because he had to hang up the nozzle and move his car closer to the pump. Did I mention that hanging up the nozzle cancels the sale? Ok good. I explain this to him and he's shaking his head and reiterating that I owe him four dollars and he wants his money. I then informed him that if I did in fact owe him four dollars my till would have told me that and I would have refunded said four dollars. he insisted that his card was authorised for four dollars and when he tried it again after moving his car closer, it wouldn't work, and therefore I owed him four dollars. I then explained that because he used his card at the pump, any money owed to him, would've gone back on his card that only instore debit transactions for gas require you to come back for any money. This is where the patience of a saint thing comes in. Throughout my explanation, he is shaking his head at me and responds with "You owe me four dollars." I said I didn't and that the problem was with his card because he cancelled the sale by. Hanging. Up. The. Nozzle. "Then I want the receipt" he says. Now its my turn to stare..receipt for what? He wants a receipt that shows the sale was cancelled. I can't give him a receipt because there was no transaction recorded because he cancelled the sale. "Then you owe me four dollars" I replied, "No, I don't." He comes back with "Really?" I had tried six ways to sunday trying to explain how and why I didnt' owe him four dollars and honestly, if I tried one more time, bad words would be said. So I just said I didn't know how else to explain it except to say that no, I did not owe him four dollars. The petulant look came back and in a huff he headed for the door. As he opened it, he gave me that squinty eyed I-hate-you-look and said, "Have fun robbing other people" It was my turn to say "Really?" Though in hindsight, I probably shouldn't have laughed as I said it
*Intercom Buzzes*
Me: How can I help you?
Customer: Why won't the nozzle fit into my car?
Me: Does your Sunfire take diesel?
I find it odd and kind of sad that I actually have to say, "No, the air is free."
Ok, thats better...and that is all
Monday, 18 August 2014
Random Thoughts
On Food...
Have you ever had popcorn twists? You know the ones in the big blue bag, and there`s a recipe on the bag for caramel twist something or others? OK never, ever...and I'm speaking from experience here...EVER make that recipe. You're lulled into this false sense of hope at first, reading the recipe. Hmm, melted caramel is good, and popcorn twists are good, what could g wrong? Oh, it goes wrong. Many levels of wrong. These "cookies" looked like little turds left by an incontinent, nervous chihuahua and don't even get me started on the texture of these things.
When I was a kid, my mom was a firm believer in powdered milk. Every morning my little sister and I would come to the breakfast table and there would be a frosty jug of powdered milk ready to be poured over our (ugh) puffed wheat cereal. Until one morning Duck had had enough, and in her oh so subtle way, quietly launched a protest against powdered milk. I was already at the table choking down my puffed wheat when she wordlessly came in, staring mom down like it was high noon in a spaghetti western movie. She grabbed her bowl; filling it with puffed wheat, and never breaking eye contact, and walked over to the cupboard where the bag of powdered milk was kept. Let me make this clear, through this whole silent protest, Duck never once broke eye contact with mom as she grabbed the bag of milk powder, shook some over her dry cereal then went over to the sink and turned the tap on, filling her bowl with cold water. Wordlessly, Duck sat down at the table, gave the bowl a stir and silently shoveled it into her mouth. We never had to drink powdered milk again.
You don't know "struggle" until...Shredded wheat and mushroom soup. I have eaten these items together...in one meal.
I've discovered that a small bag of mini oreos, a bowl, spoon, and some milk is better than therapy in many circumstances.
Want to get dirty looks in a grocery store check out line? Be 115 pounds, buying whole milk and pork rinds. I thought the lady behind me was having some kind of stroke judging by the sounds she was making. She gave me that squinty eyed " I hate you " look. So I left the line, grabbed a box of double fudge brownies and looked her right in the eye when I dropped them next to my pork rinds.
ON DRIVING
It's called a turn signal. Please use it.
I lovelovelove the fact that Ordinarygirl continues to ride shotgun with me cause I'm lost without her. And really, I should be properly supervised while behind the wheel.
If your "Lambo" sounds like a Datsun S10 with a bad muffler, don't brag.
Is it possible to pull a Rockford in a PT Cruiser?
ON RANDOM THINGS
Only in Canada will you witness an argument as to who goes through the door first.
"After you"
"No, no, you first. Let me hold the door for you"
Why does Parmesan cheese smell like feet?
Big lettered sign above the slurpee machine " Sorry, temporarily unavailable" Customer stares at the sign for a good ten seconds, comes up to the counter and...
Him: So no slurpees?
Me: Sigh...
How come a 300 pound guy wearing no shirt can walk around with no problem, but if I do, its indecent exposure?
Squirrell!
That Is All...
Have you ever had popcorn twists? You know the ones in the big blue bag, and there`s a recipe on the bag for caramel twist something or others? OK never, ever...and I'm speaking from experience here...EVER make that recipe. You're lulled into this false sense of hope at first, reading the recipe. Hmm, melted caramel is good, and popcorn twists are good, what could g wrong? Oh, it goes wrong. Many levels of wrong. These "cookies" looked like little turds left by an incontinent, nervous chihuahua and don't even get me started on the texture of these things.
When I was a kid, my mom was a firm believer in powdered milk. Every morning my little sister and I would come to the breakfast table and there would be a frosty jug of powdered milk ready to be poured over our (ugh) puffed wheat cereal. Until one morning Duck had had enough, and in her oh so subtle way, quietly launched a protest against powdered milk. I was already at the table choking down my puffed wheat when she wordlessly came in, staring mom down like it was high noon in a spaghetti western movie. She grabbed her bowl; filling it with puffed wheat, and never breaking eye contact, and walked over to the cupboard where the bag of powdered milk was kept. Let me make this clear, through this whole silent protest, Duck never once broke eye contact with mom as she grabbed the bag of milk powder, shook some over her dry cereal then went over to the sink and turned the tap on, filling her bowl with cold water. Wordlessly, Duck sat down at the table, gave the bowl a stir and silently shoveled it into her mouth. We never had to drink powdered milk again.
You don't know "struggle" until...Shredded wheat and mushroom soup. I have eaten these items together...in one meal.
I've discovered that a small bag of mini oreos, a bowl, spoon, and some milk is better than therapy in many circumstances.
Want to get dirty looks in a grocery store check out line? Be 115 pounds, buying whole milk and pork rinds. I thought the lady behind me was having some kind of stroke judging by the sounds she was making. She gave me that squinty eyed " I hate you " look. So I left the line, grabbed a box of double fudge brownies and looked her right in the eye when I dropped them next to my pork rinds.
ON DRIVING
It's called a turn signal. Please use it.
I lovelovelove the fact that Ordinarygirl continues to ride shotgun with me cause I'm lost without her. And really, I should be properly supervised while behind the wheel.
If your "Lambo" sounds like a Datsun S10 with a bad muffler, don't brag.
Is it possible to pull a Rockford in a PT Cruiser?
ON RANDOM THINGS
Only in Canada will you witness an argument as to who goes through the door first.
"After you"
"No, no, you first. Let me hold the door for you"
Why does Parmesan cheese smell like feet?
Big lettered sign above the slurpee machine " Sorry, temporarily unavailable" Customer stares at the sign for a good ten seconds, comes up to the counter and...
Him: So no slurpees?
Me: Sigh...
How come a 300 pound guy wearing no shirt can walk around with no problem, but if I do, its indecent exposure?
Squirrell!
That Is All...
Monday, 7 July 2014
Hello Clarice....
Hi there...
A couple weeks ago I insured my bike, and Murphy's law being what it is, it rained for three days straight. Thankfully I had spent my day off the weekend before cleaning and polishing...and nursing the god awful tramp stamp sunburn I got cause I was humped over like a dog humping a football doing magic circles, polishing chrome. Lots and lots of chrome. As a result, when the rain finally stopped, I was able to get right to the business of getting Clarice (She's my 1991 Harley Davidson Sportster 1200) on the road and working out the kinks we had both developed over the winter.
We stuck to town our first time out, going through the gears the way a pianist goes through the scales when she puts her hands on the keys. I just.. went, letting Clarice take me where she wanted to go, like giving a horse her head and letting her go. I stopped to have a smoke and a visit with my sister. Want to know the quickest way to clear out a cemetery? All I did through and around so my bike would be facing the right way when I left. When I entered the cemetery there were a couple of cars and a smattering of people and by the time I parked after circling the cemetery, the people were gone and there was a convoy of cars leaving and they're all staring at me one eyed like a flock of nervous birds. I laughed, and I'm sure my sister did too.
In the last week I've ridden to work and found four different versions of the long way home and only pulled a couple of rookie mistakes. Once I slipped her into neutral when I was trying to gear up into second, and there was that one time when I may have popped the clutch...
The last time I went out before the rains started, I stumbled on the perfect city ride so far. I had the intention of riding out the Barnet, because its a lovely stretch of road, turning around at the gas station after the refinery and heading back. After turning off the highway I realised I couldn't get into the gas station, so I carried on up the hill and found the turnoff for Burnaby Mountain. You know, its amazing what you find when you're not looking for it. A nice winding road brought me to the look out so I stopped for a smoke, took pictures like a tourist and just hung out with the world for awhile.
The weather was looking kind of iffy, so I decided to throw my chaps on, then realised I wasn't wearing a belt which meant the chaps would just slide off my hips. So they went back into my saddlebag. #skinnygirlproblem.
Leaving the mountain, I decided to go left and carry on up the hill which was another nice winding road. When I got to the top, I remembered something....I'm not big on going downhill. It's like night riding, I can do it no problem, it just freaks me out a little. Before I knew it I was in Coquitlam. Totally didn't expect that and it was awesome.
At a leisurely pace...ok, I may have switched lanes a time or four to get around slow cars...I made my way home, circling town a couple of times the long way before calling it a day. It was an awesome ride which I plan on doing again before the summers over.
Learning to ride is a huge personal accomplishment, something I never in a million years thought I could achieve and I am so grateful to have been given the oppourtunity to learn this skill. My bike has taken me to so many beautiful places, on countless adventures, and given me memories to treasure for the rest of my life. I can honestly say that it is the one passion in my life and I wouldn't give it up for anything.
Find your passion my friends and ride with it...That Is All.
A couple weeks ago I insured my bike, and Murphy's law being what it is, it rained for three days straight. Thankfully I had spent my day off the weekend before cleaning and polishing...and nursing the god awful tramp stamp sunburn I got cause I was humped over like a dog humping a football doing magic circles, polishing chrome. Lots and lots of chrome. As a result, when the rain finally stopped, I was able to get right to the business of getting Clarice (She's my 1991 Harley Davidson Sportster 1200) on the road and working out the kinks we had both developed over the winter.
We stuck to town our first time out, going through the gears the way a pianist goes through the scales when she puts her hands on the keys. I just.. went, letting Clarice take me where she wanted to go, like giving a horse her head and letting her go. I stopped to have a smoke and a visit with my sister. Want to know the quickest way to clear out a cemetery? All I did through and around so my bike would be facing the right way when I left. When I entered the cemetery there were a couple of cars and a smattering of people and by the time I parked after circling the cemetery, the people were gone and there was a convoy of cars leaving and they're all staring at me one eyed like a flock of nervous birds. I laughed, and I'm sure my sister did too.
In the last week I've ridden to work and found four different versions of the long way home and only pulled a couple of rookie mistakes. Once I slipped her into neutral when I was trying to gear up into second, and there was that one time when I may have popped the clutch...
The last time I went out before the rains started, I stumbled on the perfect city ride so far. I had the intention of riding out the Barnet, because its a lovely stretch of road, turning around at the gas station after the refinery and heading back. After turning off the highway I realised I couldn't get into the gas station, so I carried on up the hill and found the turnoff for Burnaby Mountain. You know, its amazing what you find when you're not looking for it. A nice winding road brought me to the look out so I stopped for a smoke, took pictures like a tourist and just hung out with the world for awhile.
The weather was looking kind of iffy, so I decided to throw my chaps on, then realised I wasn't wearing a belt which meant the chaps would just slide off my hips. So they went back into my saddlebag. #skinnygirlproblem.
Leaving the mountain, I decided to go left and carry on up the hill which was another nice winding road. When I got to the top, I remembered something....I'm not big on going downhill. It's like night riding, I can do it no problem, it just freaks me out a little. Before I knew it I was in Coquitlam. Totally didn't expect that and it was awesome.
At a leisurely pace...ok, I may have switched lanes a time or four to get around slow cars...I made my way home, circling town a couple of times the long way before calling it a day. It was an awesome ride which I plan on doing again before the summers over.
Learning to ride is a huge personal accomplishment, something I never in a million years thought I could achieve and I am so grateful to have been given the oppourtunity to learn this skill. My bike has taken me to so many beautiful places, on countless adventures, and given me memories to treasure for the rest of my life. I can honestly say that it is the one passion in my life and I wouldn't give it up for anything.
Find your passion my friends and ride with it...That Is All.
Tuesday, 17 June 2014
Not For The Cookie
Its not fair. Summer is coming and boys get to run around like monkeys while we girls have to shave everything, and it takes forever. Hot yoga? Pffffttt...I got your hot yoga. It's a razor, a shower, and the performance of contortions whicch simultaneously attempt to catch every spot and prevent a skull cracking fall or potential blood loss that could result in an embarrasing encounter with the paramedics.
Oh sure there are alternatives to the razor...
Those Neet creams that are not very neat. Im supposed to put this cream on my legs before I get in the shower, because its convienient, and stand there for like a minute before getting in the shower. Then once in the shower, because its convenient, I'm supposed let the water gradually wash this cream away...but only after an additional two minutes. o_0
Waxing. Hmmm. Yeah, I'm going to pay some strange woman to pour hot wax all over my legs and damn close to my naughty bits before she lays down those little white strips which become band aids from hell that fiercly, painfully, rip the hair out by the roots. Besides for all I know she could be, you know, into that, which would make me an unwitting S&M participant, and I don't even know what the safe word is.
I don't have time...correction...I don't have the patience to stand around my bathroom with cream on my legs, then dance a merry jig in a confined space trying to keep a stream of water from getting my legs wet. Having my legs waxed just plain falls under my nopenopenope catagory along with snakes and spiders.
Then I remembered I had one of those "Smooth Away" things. Basically its sandpaper for your legs, and if used with the proper circular motion on dry legs (bonus), produces smooth, exfoliated legs. Let me tell you it works like a hot damn. On legs. Bikini line? Not so much. Yes I read the instructions, and yes they said it was safe to use on my bikini line. So I did this morning, and the initial results were...impressive, just like my legs.
Here is where I digress a little and give you some backstory...our washrooms at work have obnoxiously huge mirrors that of course face the toilet and no matter what you do, you can't help but notice yourself in the mirror.
So there I am halfway through my shift this afternoon, about to ascend the throne if you know what I mean, when I noticed the little red bumps along my bikini line in the obnoxiously huge mirror. Upon closer inspection, it looked like a surgical strike from a swarm of tiny mosquitoes with really good grouping. Lovely. My legs look great and feel wonderful, my bikini line? Not so much. Its not fair. We're damned with razor burn and nciks if we do, and we're damned with itchy and uncomfortable if we dont.
Then again, boys will never understand or appreciate the luxury of freshly shaved legs and clean sheets...That is all.
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